Oscar 77

Every time I hear the word "Oscar," I think of the Will & Grace bit where they confuse boxer de la Hoya with designer de la Renta.

Who will you vote for?

For a printable ballot, click on the dots above.

I haven't had a chance to see many movies this year except The Incredibles, Lemony Snicket, Shrek 2, Shark Tale, and Spiderman 2. Spot a theme? The only grown-up nominees I've seen are Closer and Eternal Sunshine. My favorite line from Closer was, "You're not allowed to cry in here."
 

R.I.P. JC

Answer: Baa Baa Baa Boom

I will never forget May 21, 1992 and still can't listen to Bette singing One for my Baby (and One More for the Road) without shedding a tear.

Question: What's the last thing you hear before a sheep explodes?

Funniest E-mail Ever

From: Proctor
To: Way more people than I would've included
Date: Thu, Dec 14, 2000 12:52 PM
Subject: picture this. des moines the winter of 2000

i had two meetings this morning at the embassy club downtown off nollen plaza. after the second meeting i put on my coat, gathered my papers, and started to return the pages that i had received during the meetings, so i dialed my cell and began wandering around the club to find the nearest exit to where i wanted to be on the street. oh, right over there on the end of the dining room is an exit. i go trotting through the end of the dining room towards the sighted door. i open the door and the alarm goes off, thus i say to myself - wrong door. i slide outside and shut the door as quickly sa possible to silence the alarm. only to find that as i try to walk away that i cannot; i have shut my trechcoat in the door. sh1t...there is no door handle on the exterior side of the door. i tell the person on the other end of the line that i am sorry, but i must call them back as i am in the middle of making an a55 of myself. here i stand - most of me outside on the street but not all. i try to pull the piece remaining on the inside through to the other side, but am not successful. i look into the dining room, which is rapidly filling as it is noon, and think do i call the club to tell them to open the door quietly or do i beat on the window. i opt for the latter. i then notice that a table of 6-8 guys in the center of the dining room that are rolling. the wait staff are all looking at me now as is a good part of the dining room. the nearest waitress - bless her heart - is heading over to free me from my self made trap. she opens the door and sets off the alarm again, of course. then she says something loudly enough to direct all of the attention in the dining room to me - see i knew she was a sweetheart. i am now free to walk the sidewalk for the length of the windows of the dining room before i am truly finished with my ordeal.

No joke

I thought Napoleon Dynamite was kidding, but ligers actually exist. The result of a female tiger mating with a male lion, they are the largest of the big cats. There are also tigons. Who knew?

Another birthday option

Kenmore now offers their elite front-load washer and dryer in orange. I keep hearing that woman in the "Interjection" Schoolhouse Rock song going, "WOW!"

Velcro & Neosporin

Was thrilled to get to see Dolly Parton in concert last year. I've loved her since I was a kid watching her on Porter Wagonner in the late sixties/early seventies. The Grass is Blue, Little Sparrow, and Halos & Horns are all on my top ten list of favorite CDs from the last few years.

Proctor reminded me yesterday that she made a hilarious comment during the concert about how Velcro and Neosporin were some of the best inventions of the 20th century. The Velcro was so she could change outfits quickly without leaving the stage, but she never explained her love of Neosporin. I think "Velcro & Neosporin" should be the title of her next CD.

Got canned heat in my heels tonight

A single line from Napoleon Dynamite can crack me up even more than the tried and true A Christmas Story and Steel Magnolias. [It's a major prize! Looks like two pigs fighting in a blanket...] My favorite? "I caught you a delicious bass."

She said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day.
Like anyone can even know that.
You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff.
You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.
You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip.
It's pretty much my favorite animal.
Tina, come get some ham.
The defect in that one is bleach.
I like your sleeves. They're real big.
Build her a cake or something.
Give me some of your tots.
Can you bring me my chapstick?
Knock it off Napoleon, just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
I forgot to put in the crystals.
Gosh, idiots!

Only 115 more shopping days

Since none of you came through with the Beocom 2 for Christmas, I'm granting a second chance to redeem yourselves. A Mini-Cooper convertible in orange will do just fine as a birthday present.
 

Hey Stinky; pour me an Effen martini!

Apparently, effen means smooth in Dutch. According to Seth, there's a billboard in Chicago that simply says, "Effen cold." 

Georgia

Um...noone told me Jack White (Loretta Lynn producer-extraordinaire) is featured in Cold Mountain with Jude Law, Nicole Kidman, and a somehow large-eyed Renee Zellweger.

The Flu Sucks

For the first time in years, I didn't get a flu shot this fall. For the first time I can remember, I spent four days barely able to get out of bed. Every joint and muscle ached and little men with blowtorches were attacking both lungs. I have NEVER been so ill. Seriously; I missed four nights of drinking, including Tear it up Tuesday, and still the thought of smoking a cigarette makes me cry. It has brought out my inner drama queen, though. I can highly recommend Alka-Seltzer Plus Honey-Orange Flu, but don't ask The Brown to bring you toilet paper.... Unless you need Kleenex that is. Tee hee.